I have a BFSP for myself.

Many people already knew about this, I did not keep it as a secret entirely. Most friends and colleagues already knew about this.

O.K. My family doesn’t.

I want to go back to Europe. Not just going back, I want to stay there and never coming back here. In fact I don’t mind being Irish by doing so.

No, I am not very patriotic. Thank you for asking.

It’s not that I don’t love this country I have adopted for the past 28 years. I love the weather, the food, the people, etc but I have a very strong reason to leave it behind and never coming back.

No, it’s not a man that made me go.

It’s my ambition.

I tried twice. The first try was incredible so I decided to go back after 3 grueling years working my ass off. It was not as easy as winning a scholarship like the first time. I worked everyday to get a sufficient level of Spanish in order to get a job that pays me like I had been smuggling marijuana out of the Golden Triangle.

I worked morning shifts, afternoon shifts and night shifts, even on public holidays.

The second attempt failed.

Europe was at the threshold of the biggest crisis (la puta crisis!) and Spain just got it bad. People had been laid off their job. It still happens until today. 20.8% of the country is unemployed. Many are thinking of migration. In 2008, I had two job offers but it would not pay much and I was easily replaced unless I use my vagina as a security, as implied by the manager/supervisor/client/security tester.

I don’t think I could do that.

Why would a person like me want to go and live somewhere else so faraway where I would have no friend, no money, no family. Nothing.

The explanation is simple, because it makes me happy.

I am happiest while traveling, learning a new language and being in Europe. I am not happy here because I think my tongue is loosening its grip with the languages that I had put in so much effort in holding on.

There is a Czech idiom that says, when you acquire a new language, you are actually acquiring a new soul.

This doesn’t mean a few words or phrases in the targeted foreign language like ‘good morning’, ‘good evening’ or ‘go fuck your mother!’, it’s total immersion, full contact and splendidly drown yourself in the essence of the language.

You realized that you found your Soulmate.

New souls are not dimes a dozen, and Soulmate is priceless.

Furthermore I don’t have any responsible yet. I don’t have a house, pet nor a husband. Mother has 5 other children that would look after her (I am being quite practical. She can live with me in Marseilles if she wants) and I’m sure she would not mind her eldest unmarried daughter is somewhere faraway. Far from the clutch of the society that considers it’s sinful being single and having outrageous fun ogling single men’s bottom.

Its the only place where I am what I am and being accepted as a person that I want to be.

It sounded very superficial, as if I like to run naked in the street or a flamboyant lesbian.

Though I am thinking of maybe doing it.

I am bothered that I cannot grow and nurture my full potential when there are too many limits. I can adapt with the clothes. I can wear polite clothes, but I can’t adapt to limiting paradigms. That you can’t speak good English when you are a Malay (you are not Malay definitely since you speak Spanish, I knew it!), That the best thing in the World is everything subsidized by the government, that money can buy everything, that you have to be married at certain age and treat your husband like the Emperor of Rome, that you can’t get what you want, that women has to succumb to husband (what, you mean I can’t be on top?) that dreams are meant for children, that this is everything life can offer, that traveling is best with husband and family, that the World is a sad, cruel place and you won’t survive alone without any help.

That you are wrong when you don’t think like us, dress like us, eat like us, live your life like us.

I don’t think this is freedom. Freedom is living the life you want. Be it good or bad, you are responsible for everything you choose.

When you don’t have freedom, you don’t have anything.

As for now, I have nothing.

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