What scary thing to write.

My palms are sweating just by typing this.

Breathe.

I have bad experiences with commitment. It was almost traumatic. I cannot do this anymore. I kill living things. My permanent commitment is Carlos and he is fine with me because he drinks petrol every 2 weeks.

I tried committing to plants but I am an established serial plant-killer. I kill almost every plant that has been trusted upon me. I started with a cactus (my housemate asked me to take care of it but it died of too much water) and I couldn’t stop! Sometimes I overfeed them but sometimes I can’t commit 5 seconds of my time to water the poor little thing or read some newspaper (good news) to it and it died tragically. A sweet friend gave me a birthday gift (I have no idea why he chose a potted plant for me) and the result was it died. I simply forgot to bring it back along with me when I finished my college.

Can you imagine me with pets? Many innocent lives would doomed to dehydration and lack of love and later commit suicide. My Father tried a rabbit for beginners like us and we found it 2 months later in the toilet bowl. My brother panicked and flushed it. Soon the pretty little white furry thing clogged the sewer and we had to call the plumber. The worse part was confessing the sin.

[Moment of silence on tribute to our little Webbit]

Sad but true. We later only eat rabbit rather than keep it for petting.

I like dogs. Maybe because my late grandfather owned 2 Rottweilers. I like cats but cats don’t like me as much and they are moody little furballs. I am not a fan of anything in a cage or aquarium or anything that requires special care or special diet. I’m too lazy for that.

I particularly like Siberian Huskies because they are handsome bunch of beasts but I don’t think I am responsible enough to take care of them referring to my cactus and rabbit experience. They might die and I can’t forgive myself if that were to be my fault.

I am pretty sure that it would.

I can’t imagine having a child or worse, a husband, (or both! Argh!!!) One might argue that they can tell you when they need anything or they can get it themselves but what if I’m in the mood to go to Istanbul and Mr. Hubby wouldn’t let me?

[F] you, man!

I don’t know if I could suppress this mood because I have never been so patient all my life. What I know is that when I want something, I go get it. Even Mother couldn’t say anything, not even Father who has been with me almost forever.

Difficult, eh? That’s because I’m worth it 🙂

When you discuss about commitment, majority of people would advise you to go for it. People say that commitment is a part of growing up, a part of life, a part of being a woman (having womanly limbs and curves don’t mean that you’re a woman apparently. You might be something else!) and they tell you it’s because we’re made to reproduce or something like that. So maybe that’s why we have this reproductive organ, right? I thought it was for, you know..decorations.

If you heard of biological clock (mine’s digital and quite broken at the moment.) or keeping the hormones in balance then these are the reasons why you should have a commitment with opposite sex (or same sex, whatsoever in-trend), as popularized by culture and custom for example marriage or partnership or I don’t know, concubine-hood, perhaps what they call commitment these days? I’m not a very up-to-date person.

Ever notice that old single ladies are always the b*tch in the office? Even people who doesn’t have children would probably behave the same way. Reason mentioned is that they aren’t complete, imbalanced hormones and maybe their self-esteem is hurt as they’re considered not a true woman. Women are made to nurture (why do you think Play-Doh, dollies and Barbies are famous for young little girls?) and not achieving this mission would make them miserable. They are like a steam engine without a proper ventilation, I guess. Sorry I can’t think of a good example than this one.

I know what you’re thinking. I just confessed that I am a future candidate of a not-properly-ventilated-steam-engine-lady. Laugh all you want.

The future seems scary. Either way, someone would die. Be it my husband, mother-in-law (if I accidentally commit myself) or beloved colleagues and neighbors (if I am stubborn enough to die alone)

I should study locomotive engineering.

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