It’s not a big deal, is it?

In less than 4 days I will be twenty-nine. One year off from being thirty. People turns twenty-nine all the time, right? It’s natural.

I feel rather nervous actually.

My officemates usually celebrate birthdays and yesterday when asked at a farewell party of an officer who’s birthday turn was it next and the answer came the 13th of March.

They missed the 1st of March. Mine.

I didn’t say anything because I rather let it slipped. I feel rather uncomfortable reminding other people about my birthday. It’s just not right. I was thankful that they didn’t remember. I don’t quite like it because I had to work that day. I didn’t have any off day this year which is a bummer as I never worked on my birthday.

I would skipped the day or suddenly had a severe diarrhea or just sick (with a valid MC) I can’t do it this time because we’re short of staff.

I really don’t fancy working on my birthday.

Point already taken, isn’t it?

I just want the day to be clear of everything as I need it for something else. I need that day to reflect, to arrange my thoughts and plan for the whole year. (I never follow any plans though. Well you need an excuse to be absent) What have I done last year that could have changed me this year? What have I accomplished so far? Have I done anything worth telling my grandchildren? Have I spread a little bit of love, a little bit of kindness to the world? Have I changed much? I’m better or worse? Have I been thankful to the blessings and love I received all year round? Have I found what I’ve been looking for?

I don’t know.

I remember last year at lunch on my birthday I went to a shopping mall to meet a new friend. We talked and had a nice time. He bought me a a mug of hot hazelnut chocolate and we sit for hours while he was telling me about his wife, kids and his prolonged studies in Malaysia.

The year before that I probably went to Cambodia. I can’t remember the details anymore.

This year I would be stuck in a vacant office staring at the monitor thinking what am I doing here? Mental note for the whole day: please projectile a vomit now.

Or now! [10 minutes interval]

Or now! [lunch time]

Or now! [10 minutes before 5 PM]

I don’t think I would be receiving any birthday wishes. I insisted that Facebook miss it. Last year it came from jolly good old friends and family members and the Wall is not flooded by wishes from strange people who tried to be nice because they saw it on their profile. I will not put any hopes on that this year. I know they love me and that is enough.

What do I wish this year?

This is tricky.

Of course I would want to wish for something good but good is relative. Good for me probably is not good for other people so I am asking for a bit of courage and patience. I hope to minimize my complaints.

I lacked courage. I want to pursue something that I want but I don’t have the guts to do it because I am too afraid of failing, I am too afraid of the consequences and I am afraid that this might not work at all. I want to write but (I will fill in all sorts of excuse because I love fear too much) but that’s the only thing I’d rather do everyday for every single day of my life.

I lacked patience. I would squirm and sitting anxiously in my car whenever the traffic is not moving. I would have the urge to scream sometimes, as if the veins in my head is about to explode when things don’t go my way. I have to accept that this is a part of life sometimes. I need to learn to calm down and be at peace with myself. It’s not worth it.

I have too many complaints and the list is endless. I should start listing out all the blessings that I have instead of complaining all year round about not having this and that (and not having taking the day off on my birthday), my forever single life, the price of books, unemployment in Europe, this or that person, etc. I am a just fine the way I am and I thank God for everything, for He is the source of every beauty, strength and peace.

Still my heart doesn’t want to settle. I lacked something else.

But it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m done with it.

I do wish to be happy and fulfilled, travel around the World with my family and everyday waking up doing what I do best and sleeping to what I love most in the World.

I wonder what I will write next year.

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