Tomorrow’s my birthday.

I am not excited. I woke up at 4 in the morning and was immersed in horrible fear. I could not sleep. I am nervous. I should let someone know about this but I can’t seem to find anyone who would listen. If they would actually care. Maybe they are but there are too much of competition to override me. The distance, the television, the noise, etc.

I am huddled in the dark, hair clumped to my face and waiting. I used to not complain of being alone and lonely but I can’t say the same now. I sat and stare at the space in front of me.

No, I don’t need a sign. Just thinking. How?

How I almost had everything and suddenly lose it. It’s hard being on the losing side. Was it a joke? Was it really funny? I almost forgot how I sound like when I laugh. I tried to imitate it sometimes but it sounded awkward. Like spending a long time making plastic rosebud and hope for a glorious smell of the real thing when it blooms.

Stupid.

It does not do well dwelling in sadness, they say. I figure just the opposite. Why not? It’s a feeling, your feeling. If you’re allowed to be happy then why not sad? When I was younger I was not allowed to be angry. It was the most unthinkable thing I could do and I would be punished severely for banging the door, for feeling upset. When I see people shouting I feel almost elated seeing them in such brute face choking in red, veins palpating in their heads. What a liberating experience! You should not be ashamed or scared of your feelings because if you’re not then you’re quite damaged inside. Like me. The kind that you don’t know which part to fix.

I was hoping to find an inspiration today. It’s a big day. Tomorrow I’ll turn thirty. It’s a scary place to be. I think Bosnia Herzegovina celebrates their independence day on the same day. So something good still happens. Something nice. Something happy.

I cannot post anything nice today because I feel just the opposite. I just want to write it down and hope it will go away one day. I don’t want to blame anyone although frankly it would be easier. The evil thing is inside, not outside.

There are so many things going wrong in my life. I’m familiar with despair and misery but this is a new kind that includes fear. This is not good. I know I should do something but I am not capable of doing so. I guess this is what people call rock-bottom. You got nothing, no one and living was substituted by existing, which implies dying as quite an interesting choice for the time being.

But I can’t accept defeat just yet. I just need a grip and rise again.

Then I can be happy, but for now I bow to all things dark and ugly, things that wretches me sick,  things that claws my guts, things that break my heart, things that steal my sanity, things never recovered, things never said, regrets, unrequited loves, things to forgive and forget, things my mind would feel unrest, monsters, broken dreams, all things weighing me down.

I’d give it all for a little sunshine.

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