7% Friend

Old post in my Facebook Note.

I read in an article that you should have a balanced set of friends, meaning that friends from kindergarten, primary school, secondary school, college, university, neighbours, colleagues, married friends, single friends, gay friends, straight friends, male friends, female friends, foreigners friends, virtual friends, etc. Friends from all walk of life, that is. Then it is a sign that you are a mature person, capable of moving on and getting on with life.

I am not that mature, then.

I am keen of meeting new people. I love talking to people and yet I don’t seem to have a lot of friends (most of my friends consist of my secondary school friends.) My Mom complained a lot about my lack of male friends. What am I to do? Go out some more with strangers? Put an advertisement in NST or the Star? Get a penpal? List myself in Carijodoh.com? It’s the effort that counts! she said. I am basically an effortless immature woman.

A day before my birthday, 2 friends invited me out. We went for a coffee in Starbucks. Since they are basically new (only 2 weeks of being here) to Malaysia (being Mexicans) I brought them a rough guide because I thought they wanted to know more about Malaysia. I honestly thought they are going to be my friends and we will go out and have fun together during the weekends. Doing all the stuffs that friends do. We would be so cool together!

But after an hour, they brought me to their ‘lair’ and I understood that we are never going to be friends anymore.

It started with a simple questions about me, myself, my family, my country, my job, the usual conversation. I asked the same thing about them too so I think it was pretty well balanced conversation. We joked and we laughed. This is getting good, I thought. But somehow I remember sensing this is not what they want from me. This is not what they’re after. It’s about something else.

It’s all about the money.

This is not the first time I faced this extremely uncomfortable situation. They pay your lunch or coffee or drove you to fancy restaurant or wanted to meet you desperately because ‘it has been so long since I last saw you’. They’re not the least interested of what you’re going to say. It doesn’t matter if you’re good, happy with your job, happy with your body, happy about your vacations, happy with your relationship, happy with your health, etc. They don’t give a damn.

All they want to do (read: for you to do) ultimately is to listen to their new found way of getting fast money. Simple, effective and easy. All they need is only a few hundreds (or thousand) of capital from you and they’ll help you with the rest, or at least that is what they promised to you at time.

It’s a well planned trap! Usually the stupid friend will find it hard to say no because she was cornered good. The fated meeting usually takes place at the headquarters of the project they’re promoting to you with a senior supervisor who’s willing to spend half an hour to tell you all about the strategem, the money, the board directors or the same person would be willing to meet you at somewhere you feel more comfortable (restaurant, Starbucks, mamak stalls, etc)

One ‘friend’ made me withdrew RM1500 worth of my PTPTN to make her the manager (she promised to pay my lunch which never took place), another made me lose RM4000 in an investment (it was a bad case of get-rich-quick scheme – not her fault though), another wanted me to go and sleep at her house to get me to the briefing earlier the next day, and of course the latest one wanted RM910 or RM3745 of my money to buy 1 box or 4 boxes of a revolutionized vitamins.

I was frustrated. I have every right to be as angry as I was last few days. How dare you demand my time and attention for (your) money and tell me that you wanted to help me! How dare you left me alone in the dark wondering why am I here looking at pictures of people that will never knew my name or see my face! How dare you tell me that you liked me (that is why you wanted me in your team) and later move on with the presentation of the pyramids of multi level marketing! How dare you lied to me! How dare you said you cared for me and would love me to look good and healthy!

You never cared! You don’t even give a damn at what I was saying! You just want money. That is all you after. You never wanted to help! You think that I am another cheap idiot that would fell into the same trap.

What happened to friendship? What happened to being there when you need me or vice versa? What happened to listening? What happened to talking about our humiliating and dangerous-secrets-that-our-parents-never-knew childhood memories, our crushes, dreams and fears? What happened with hugs and kiss? What happened to YOU? Why see me as a potential investment of 3%, 5% or 7% in the pyramid? Why did not you see me as a friend? What have I done to you to get myself into this trap? In this debt? In this mess?

Why?

I don’t want to wish to not know you at all. Honestly I love talking and meeting with new and old friends. It’s the motives apart of friendship that I loathe the most. Yes, I loathe it with all my heart and soul just in case if you’re still wondering. I am not your 7% contribution. I am a human being. I feel, I listen, I learn, I hope, I pray and I love. I’m not some kind of dots in the client’s sheets or to-be-announce contacts.

It breaks my heart to see myself in this light. I am nothing but 7% commission to you.

The next time I see another monster coming, I should have shove it out my door. Lesson learnt.

And you will pay, my little sweet cockroach. You will pay.

First Times

I honestly believe all First Times in our lives consists of the very concentrated feeling of what we had that day. Doesn’t matter if it’s our first day at a new job, our first interview or our first time being in love. All of it was adrenaline controlled and slipping an inch would cost us our dear good memory for the rest of our lives.

We have a lot of First Times. And the first time you did something out of ordinary, you are bound to remember it. Good or bad. Do you think that is a good thing? Doing such thing the first time and expecting the best but bear in your mind sometimes things doesn’t go the way you planned and you accidentally did something you’re not supposed to. And you’re scarred for life.

I have to remind myself that I am a better person and I will not be judge for such mistake. I am worth million times over than thumb marks on the door or folded paper on the shelves. I am sure that everyone deserves somebody to love. Though your first try won’t be as impressive as everybody else’s, you tried. However big your crush, and however broken your heart when he told you he doesn’t feel the same way, please do not give up. Somebody somewhere will say yes.

All I could think is this is not the end.

Amelie

There was a movie that you just can’t forget. It’s unbelievably simple, soulful and you knew that only dreamers can achieve this level of entrophy.

Her name is Amelie and I understand her completely.

Well not completely, as I am not French but I know the feeling of not having anyone to play with and having a make-believe friends to make up with the real ones. I still have both of my parents and all my siblings. We don’t have a gnome of our garden nor nosy neighbors.

But my rabbit committed suicide in the toilet bowl. I have worked as a waitress at a cafe too and I like contemplating schemes, especially revenges. It feels good, don’t it?

But in this Big World of ours, it’s important not to succumb to the ugly side of the coin. The side when you see everything and everyone is evil, untrusworthy and doesn’t deserve your time. Goodness begets goodness. Kindness is like a drink of fresh water on a hot day in the middle of nowhere. It instantly refreshes you and you feel good no matter what happens.

As a human I believe we need to believe in something. Be it love, faith, hope, anything. We need to get to that particular place where we think is everything our life is about.

Amelie has a happy ending. She got her wish. From the beginning you just cannot imagine she failing despite all the trials and tribulations.

But Amelie is a movie. Life has another Director and you can never tell what’s coming towards you, either it’s a train or a Prince Charming.

Reality can be too cruel for dreamers and I sometimes would prefer not to wake up.

Escape

I did not do it on purpose.

It came in a huge bursting wave. The dam was broken and I have to let go. I have to go.

Now the same feeling is here. I need to go.

But when? Where? How? I still have no idea.

My first escape happened when I was 6.

I recently moved to the village by the sea and needed to go to a good kindergarten. A relative, close to Mother came and begged Mother to let me go to her kindergarten. After school, I would spend a lot of time at her place rather than going back home.

One Friday afternoon I woke up and there was no one insight.

I was not scared. I was angry.

Nobody told me that they were going somewhere. They even conveniently forgot about me. It was a very hot day. I hated the waiting game so I decided to go back on my own.

I knew 2 routes : land and water.

I chose the land route.

By car, it seemed like a short trip but with a pair of 6 years old legs it seemed forever. I stayed close to the side of the road but the cars and motors stopped.

“Where are you going, little girl?”

“Home.”

I learned to ignore them.

When I reached home, the house was locked. Another wave of rage came. What is wrong with everybody? Why are they leaving me alone?

I got bored of waiting and fell asleep at the porch.

When I woke up there were police cars, siren blazing and the whole village on tow. Mother was crying and Father was talking to the policemen.

Apparently they were looking for me.

So I had been warned not to wander or follow any strangers and be still until someone is there to pick me up or something terrible would happen.

I never get to that terrible part.

All I know is I hate waiting and I would rather walk than wait.

So this little adventure means a lot to me. I know I had it in me.

Next escape was in school.

It happens to many times that I lost count. I happened in university and after and now I’m about to do this again.

I need to look forward to something. I need a big fat secret plan where I could be somewhere I can’t guess in the first place.

I just need some peace with myself and it’s an escape.

So escape is what we’d do.