2014

I guess I’m living my dreams and still in denial? That would be the tagline of my brand (if I am to call myself a merchandise) this year. I was probably thinking that National Geographic Channel’s biggest falcon would swoop me up and drop me in Africa with the latest Nikon and I start photographing elephants pooping. Seriously, I didn’t think that is an exaggeration of my escape.

Escape.

I want to escape somewhere. Anywhere.

I would consider this one of my life’s biggest mystery. My craving for vast, mountainous land, snow and anonymity. For months, I feel indifferent towards my surrounding. Flat lands, green fields stretching miles and miles, muddy paths in the frequent rain, tiny red mosquito bites and the sound of generator attached to water pumps pumping water from rivers into the paddy fields. They used to be music to my ears. When I told stories about my hometown, I would include these things that made my heart swell with longing. Homesick. I even let myself felt proud of it though I didn’t own any of it, just snippets of memories.

But now I’m just sick of it.

I think about this all the time, actually. I have no boss to tell me stuff that I don’t agree with (they’re all stupid, to be honest. Like you wouldn’t believe me.) I already published 2 books (an original and a translation) and a digital short story, I have ample time to write, daydream and travel anywhere in the world. No children. No freakin’ husband. No fucking attachments. I’m free like a bird, for God’s sake. So why in the world I need this stupid escape?

harun

Duh. To grow.

I need some space to grow but I can’t figure out how.  Do I need to learn something new? Do I travel somewhere faraway? Do I find attachments somehow? Do I need to really grow up?

There’s nothing wrong with my life at the moment and that fact pisses me off greatly. I seemed to think that to be alive I should experience a wave of emotion, preferably anger in order to change but now I just feel numb. I avoid responsibilities. I don’t even talk for days. I’m like a stagnant water in an abandoned mine. Dirty and getting murkier with filth.

I want to be the sea. I’m not born to be murky.

So this 2015, I am going to escape. I’m flowing straight to the sea.

The Pact

When I was 15, I made a pact with my other 2 best friends to travel the world. We were very serious about it that we sold chocolates to our schoolmates to afford the dream, we saved the money and reality hit us like a train.

Some people make dreams so it can die.

At 16, L quit school. It was never the same without her. Me and W grew apart. We talked but it’s no longer about going to roll in snow under Eiffel Tower. It’s always about other girls or news or teachers.

After school I did not contact L & W. College was busy. W was working and L was having boyfriend after boyfriend. She’s the prettiest of the 3. I found out that W had a sugar daddy. He’s 40, married and has a yacht. We were about 18. Good for her, I think.

We reconnected during university years. L said she’s going to get married to someone she’s not in love with. Her soulmate was not ready for commitment but she was so she pick the other guy. W acquired a boyfriend, R very sweet and kind but maintain another sugar daddy, a royalty this time. All this done while the first sugar daddy still keeping in touch. When he found out, of course he went berserk. He screamed her name again and again until he fainted. He was admitted to a psychiatric ward. The wife and his 5 children called W to come and visit but she said no.

L got married and I did not attend the wedding. She did not speak to me for 3 years. W broke up with R and the royalty but she wanted the latter back. She did everything she could but the wife and daughter intervened. It was clear that he wanted out. She was heartbroken.

What happened to me? I went to Madrid because I won a scholarship. Then I went to Barcelona, Paris, London, Brussels, Prague, Frankfurt, Rome, Marseilles and back to Madrid. I learned to speak a foreign language, met seriously fascinating people (and not to mention good looking ones!), got a normal job and very soon the mid life crisis hit me hard.

L and I got our vibe back. She is now pregnant with her 3rd child with the same husband. I guess she’s happy with him though he wasn’t her first choice. She got a house, a good job, love, pretty much everything a normal person wants. I’m glad for her but I am still waiting for the day when she would say ‘let’s go’ and off we fly to Macchu Picchu. She still travel though, but with the whole bunch, with her mother and mother-in-law.

W is not speaking to me. I offended her in the worse way possible it seems. I told her to let go off her first sugar daddy. He is a ticking time bomb. She said he would tell her mother and she’s better dead than face her with that news. The only way to fight is just come clean. He would not have any more weapon if the mother already knew about everything. And with that reason, she left me. No goodbye, no angry outbursts, nothing. Just pretend I’m another face in the crowd and all those 15 years of friendship were just a nightmare. She had a third sugar daddy now. She brought him to the school reunion. I was not there but I saw the photos and was speechless. They went to Philippines together. Probably they ventures to other places too. She’s in real estate now. Good money and owning properties. She, is what some people would refer to successful businesswoman. 

I hardly recognized her.

Was this the same girl who comforted me when all those bullies got to me? Was this the same girl who would do anything to distract the discipline teacher while me and L escape? I still have trouble believing that it’s true. All those dreams and conversations and promises and words.

Those countless nights staring at the night sky, counting passing planes, wishing that one day we, too could fly. Maybe we forget to tell ourselves ‘fly together‘.That’s our big error.

They seemed happy. Maybe they forget, but when I was 15, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life and those moments count. That was the only time I had friends I considered best of all. 

What happened to us?

What happened to night walks and freedom and traveling around the world?

What happened to the pact?