It was meant to be forever. I never reconsider anything said and done. I accept them like my sisters.

Maybe forever is a long time to endure this.

I have been called many names. Some I hated, some I don’t mind and some I enjoy replying to.

One girl called me cocky.

One boy called me crazy.

One girl called me witty.

The thing is they never really know me. They haven’t met my parents or sleep on my bed or told me their utmost fears and their wildest dreams. They’re just random strangers giving opinions during several insignificant episodes of my life.

I am tempted to not care.

But those girls called me selfish.

This very word flew out after 17 years of high and lows, laughter and tears, peace and struggles, heartbreak and pain.

They knew the story of my life. They knew that I volunteered to go to the bullying fest* just because my then-roommate didn’t want to be alone there.

*There was a special club that only the chosen ones could get into. It’s Reserved National Navy and most girls (I’m from an all girls’ school) wanted to join in. You got to go camping, shooting, even join the Navy rounds with their war ships. It’s acknowledged as one of the most prestigious co-curriculum association but to get in it, you got to be treated like the Navy.

She, the roommate was not picked into the squad. I guess she lived happily ever after but I got stuck with it for two years. It was really hard for me. I did not manage to make any friends because everyone picked their partner already and they didn’t look too happy to be paired with me.

All those time I had to endure burpees, starjumps, push-ups, frog jumps, quacking on hot, baked tennis court, punished for things that I didn’t do. It’s a combo of the most pleasant and unpleasant things in the world. I had to ignore trickling sweats and blood all over my body, blisters, aching muscles and the cruelest of all, the unforgiving Sun. There was a lot of screaming from our seniors, kicking, punching, running and marching.

But I learned to assemble M-16 in less than a minute, I camped in most beautiful places in Malaysia, I rode the Navy truck, frequented their camp, I joined the Navy to cross the Singapore-Malaysian border with their war ship, I learned to make a proper fire, I learned to shoot, I got to know many good, kind people from the Navy, other students from other schools with the same program and won many marching competitions.

I never complained about that. I know how unhappy feels like and I wish no one would ever sink into it. It was never about the prestige or the uniform. I just couldn’t stand seeing someone so sad.

That wasn’t the only time I volunteered to do stuff to people. The paid price is usually more that I ever imagined in the first place.

But I did it and I understood completely how Katniss must have felt though we do it for a different reason entirely.

So when someone I cared deeply and the same one who knew exactly how I function said such a thing, It really hurt.

I searched again and again what did I do wrong and my only sin was not reaching out to them.

I don’t know if you ever been in a phase where you can no longer said anything good about your entire life. You have this bitterness that won’t go away even long after you woke up and every single time you open your eyes, you ask yourself why. You slowly forget how to laugh. There’s just one big cloud surrounding you and you wonder if you really deserve this life. Is this your purpose?

I learned that talking about it doesn’t really help. People have a proper life too. They worry about their wife, their husband, if the combined income is enough to send their children to a good school, if they need to further their studies, if they could afford the mortgage of the house of their dreams, if they could buy another car, if they can go for a vacation during their free weekend, stuff that make my problem seems pale in comparison.

Stuff that matters to them.

I can’t really compare my mid-single-life crisis to that. My friends already have enough troubles of their own. Why would I attempt to add more? If I don’t have anything funny, respectful or progressive to say, why would I bother to start a topic in the first place? The world has enough negativity.

So I took to bottle it up. This is not easy. There were moments when I thought I could no longer hold it in or I might burst in pieces but I keep at it. I was tempted to look for my best friends, the girls that I trust but I was scared. What if they’re miserable and I was just being insensitive? I had to remind myself that I am not their priority anymore. They’re married. And what was I thinking? It’s better to drown in my sorrow than to make them listen to me.

I am not selfish, I thought.

And then, of all the words they could ever chosen to describe me and the picked ‘selfish’. The irony.

I don’t understand it. Why would you hurt someone that puts your happiness first? Why would you continue to hurt her when she apologized? And for the love of God, why would you hurt someone that owns nothing, said nothing and do nothing even after you spit all the venom of your heart into her face? You already won. 

That was the same mouth that forged those words when we were 13. How dare you said forever when you actually meant if you don’t ask me how I was doing or update me about your life, you can go to fucking hell.


remember that time Johanna saved Katniss’ life by putting her own on the line only to be captured and tortured but did it all knowingly and willingly

or the time Katniss was able to get Johanna out into the rain and also help her assemble her guns when the trainer wasn’t…

More Everlark and Everthorne Thoughts


Ok, this post carries on from my last big Everlark and Everthorne post, which you can read here. This one is not quite as articulate or coherent, but it’s in response to some comments I had on the other, and a few more thoughts I had on the topic from the fandom in general.

It’s quite long, and just as a disclaimer, it’s mainly my opinion, as an Everlark shipper, and the evidence behind it. I definitely don’t mean to start any wars or arguments, I just have a lot of Hunger Games thoughts and feels, which I need to get out of my head! LOL!

Read More

The Pin – Part 3 (Last)

In total, Katniss sang 3 songs that had huge significance in her life. These simple songs attracted the mockingjays and like always, her lovely voice was appreciated by recomposing the song in their brilliant manner.

The first song was the valley song. We didn’t know the exact lyrics of the song because she hardly remember the occasion but that particular moment cemented Peeta’s undying feelings for the girl with the red plaid dress.

And I swear, every bird outside the windows fell silent.” [The Hunger Games, Chapter 22]

The second song was the mountain air song, the lullaby she used to sing for Prim, the same one she sang to Rue during her final moments. Not only she managed to fulfill her last wish, she realized what game the Capitol put them through and sent the message nationwide.

Then, almost eerily, the mockingjays take up my song.” [The Hunger Games, Chapter 18]

The third song was The Hanging Tree. Caroline McCormick sang it beautifully on the audio book and I found some nice melodic version of it on Youtube too. I particularly liked the way Ms. Lost-on-cloud-9 dissected it here. It was perfect!

Peeta’s right. They do fall silent when I sing. Just like they did for my father.” [Mockingjay, Chapter 9]

This is also the song in which Peeta showed some significant progress post-hijacking.

Just like the pearl from which we could relate beauty (that arose from pain) and purity with Peeta, the pin connected freedom and rebellion with Katniss. Note that both are gifts given to her and both are lost after Katniss went back to District 12. You can check her box. I tell you the pin and the pearl was gone, probably destroyed in the same fire that scarred Katniss and Peeta for life.


In my opinion, the writer omitted the reappearance of the gifts for some obvious reasons. The pearl symbolized Peeta and he was back in her life. She no longer had to kiss the pearl for missing him so badly. He is her pearl so she won’t be needing a substitute anymore. On the other hand, the pin symbolized the rebellion and there is no need for one at the time being. Panem is free.

I do believe that you never lost anything. It’ll just come back to you dressed in a different suite, different shape, different colors, so many different ways.

Like, perhaps two babies.qq

The Pin – Part 2

There was quite a list of curious coincidences stemmed from the mockingjays. It surely meant a lot on so many different levels. The first significance we learned came in the form of Katniss’s father who was particularly fond of the birds. Katniss reconnected to her past after examining the pin and telling us how his father used to sing to the birds, how they recreated the songs and how beautiful his voice was. By that point, we agree that she associated some meaning to the pin. That’s the first step for us to buy this idea. There was no mention if her voice was just as beautiful but that was how the birds – and Peeta noticed her. Even Plutarch offered her to sign in a singing show. I guess the hints are there.


The next one is Rue. It triggered trust on her part. The back story was simple. Back in District 11 the mockingjays were her friends.

They carry messages for me.” [The Hunger Games, Chapter 16]

She’d sing a 4 note run and the birds would spread it around the orchard. That was how everyone knew when to take a break. In the Games, it was the same song that Katniss learned from Rue so that they can communicate with each other (she then taught a simple 2 note whistle to communicate with Peeta inspired by the tragedy.) Rue’s death had a strong impact on Katniss that she can no longer tolerate the Capitol.  When requested, she sang and all of Panem got the message. It was like the ultimate calling telling them that it is time. Actions must be taken for a better tomorrow.

This is not the first message. Katniss realized later that the image inspired the rebels in so many ways. Be it stamped on crackers from District 8 or the disappearing bird in the pocket watch of the Head of Gamemaker. The bird tells her who to trust.

The next incident was not deliberate too, when Katniss met Twill and Bonnie who escaped from their rebelling district. They had their hopes in District 13, a district known to be obliterated and damaged for the past 75 years. They told a story about the same mockingjay footage that has been reused every time on national television and Katniss knew in her heart that the Capitol has been lying about District 13. That was one of the ways the mockingjay proved to be the perfect symbol to defy the Capitol.

And the most obvious was the transformation of Katniss’s tragic wedding dress (intended to humiliate her) to the ever so legendary Mockingjay plumage dress on national television live through out Panem.

That must have been a kick right in Capitol’s nuts.

The Pin – Part 1


It was the most curious little thing.

The golden pin was introduced to the readers as Katniss and Gale were interacting with Madge, Mayor Undersee’s daughter. The tesserae system was mentioned not long after and we had a glimpse of the invisible division between the rich and poor; the merchant and the people from the Seam.

Nonetheless, Madge did not seem to care about it and apart of Katniss, I was quite surprised when she gave her the pin. Token from the district, she said. It sounded insignificant at first. Who would worry about a pretty brooch while being trapped in the arena with other 23 kids trying their best to murder you? Call me insensitive but I would have not even cared.

But the thing about Suzanne Collins was that she is a master of simplicity. It’s all in the little things. How love actually started an uprising. How a handful of berries fueled the revolution. How a whistle started a collective stand. How an innocent song translated as a tool for action. How a flower suggested hope. How a painting made powerful men cringe. How a book full of lost memories healed broken people.

O.K. Focus.

Back to the pin.

It was once belonged to Maysilee Donner, Madge’s late aunt who was Mayor Undersee’s wife’s twin sister. She was reaped 24 years ago in the 50th Hunger Games, otherwise known as the 2nd Quarter Quell. Unfortunately she didn’t make it back home and the victor for that particular year was none other than Haymitch Abernathy, Katniss’s and Peeta’s drunken mentor.

You could tell that Madge wanted to be just like her aunt, another brave soul. Unfortunately the odd was not in her favor. Theoretically, she could have waited for the coming year, when she would stand another chance in The Reaping but she decided to give the pin to Katniss. I do wonder that if for the briefest moment, she’d failed to do so…What would happen then? Would Katniss still be The Mockingjay? Will the bird stand a chance to be incorporated as the symbol of the revolution? Assuming everything else went according to the story; Katniss would still be recognized as The Girl on Fire. Wasn’t fire enough? Why did the writer have to invent a long story for an accidental hybrid bird mutt for the simple purpose of fueling the revolution?

Say we reverse the situation. Say Madge was picked by Effie instead of Prim. Would there still be a revolution? Was there really a plot designed by the rebels? Would Madge even survive the 74th Hunger Games and gave the same impact to Panem as Katniss did?

Very curious indeed.

Personally, I think fire is not a good choice because it could easily manipulated, tamed, crushed and put out. It doesn’t have the will and reason to survive, like the mockingjay.

As shared by Katniss, it was a slap in the face for the Capitol. The Jabberjays, a carefully engineered weapon backfired as the rebels figured out their sneaky purpose. The birds were left to die but they found new life instead by mating with the mockingbirds. The mockingjays, the instant result of two species had the best of both worlds. They can repeat a range of human vocal sounds and recreate songs.

This is foreshadowing another string of stories.

We perfectly knew that The Hunger Games was designed as the ultimate weapon by the Capitol. Imagine their surprise when a boy had such an impact in his interview only by using simple words and then a girl sang her heart out for her fallen ally. Like the mockingjays, they used love as their defense.Together they survived the looming death by protecting each other. Can’t you see? They are the mockingjay.

Of course we will go into this as one.” [Catching Fire, Chapter 15]