I tried persuasion. Something sensible, the normal positive affirmation.
‘Everything will turn out right. It will be fine. Don’t worry.’
But the little clot refused to believe that. Prone to something negative, it told me to f*ck it. It will be worse. Horrible. There’s nothing good could be derived of the situation. It’s doomed to fail.
‘No. We can’t give up just yet.’
‘Why? Can’t you put things in perspective in that thick head of yours that you are beyond help? You have no one to help you. Everybody in your life left you. Doesn’t it mean something? You have no money. Your life sucked. You don’t even had a bed to sleep on. You wake up everyday a zombie. Your mind’s confused between reality and fantasy. You are a wreck. A waste of space. If you die today, no one would even realize, you know how pathetic is that?’
‘No. It will be o.k. I am a good person. Things might not go my way today or these few months but I am trying to hold on. This is a mere test.’
The chuckle rang about 2 minutes.
‘So you think this is a test? I declare now I personally knew a gargantuan idiot. Look at everyone else. They have a life, a good one that is.’
The little clot of blood disagrees on many things in so many levels. It challenges me why should I help another person when I am the one who needed the help or why didn’t I cut the queue while paying my groceries or why didn’t I beat the crap of an old lady for pushing me off the train or why did I gave a beggar my last money and why oh why should I receive bad luck as some sort of ‘test’.
I know the clot is angry. I always ignore all the suggestions, particularly the ones aimed whenever other people is not around.
‘Why would you think nobody’s watching? What would I explain to Him? At that point, I would not know how to lie because He knew. How would you lie to Your Creator?’
It would scoffed at me and grew silent. But never gives up.
I have read that whatever good thing or bad thing happened to you is a test. It doesn’t matter if you are a good or a bad person. What matters most is how you manage your little clot of blood. If you are a good manager, then most definitely you are a good person but on the contrary…if you support the clot sometimes you might be in considerable amount of trouble. You might call it ‘fun’.
Everyone is not the same. Different people faces different test. We can never guess what test awaits a rich man. Wearing his shoes we probably realized that he has a lot on his plate. Starting from maintaining his mansion, his cars, his wife, children, the colleges they study, the gadgets and allowance they ask, the reputation, the walk, the credit cards, the gardener, the driver, the nanny, the businessman circles, the so-called-friends, the list goes on and on.
A poor man’s test is different. He’s on constant war about wages, work, food, family, how to surpass this test and get to next level and probably befriend a rich man who probably wishes to wear his little rubber slippers sometimes.
It’s never enough.
Imagine a test to a beautiful person, or to a not-so-beautiful person. A thin person , or to a ‘thick’ person. An intelligent person or to a not-so-intelligent person. The former wants to be the latter and vice versa.
It is not for us to decide if we should have everything our way. The decision is not in our hands. He can give us one thing and take anything back, just like that. He owns everything and we have no say in this life. One sweet day everything will end and when we rise another particular day we better be ready with our best behavior.
I believe that He loves me. That is why He puts me in these tests to see how would I react to it. No matter how bad, there will be another day, another song, another smile. And I will keep on walking. You’ll see, little clot. He didn’t do it on purpose. There is no coincidence. He knew that this is nothing for me and the strength I have today will come in handy some other difficult days. I can do this. I am a strong girl and He will always have my back come what may.
He can take anything but please don’t take my faith away from me. It is with Your words I breathe the first time and indeed with Your words I die with. I know one day He will take the ones I love one by one, my so-called properties, the Love of my life, my memories, my strength, my ability, my sight, my hearing, my health, my senses, and all that’s left would be you, my little clot of blood beating in my veins.
And the day He took you is the day that we’d meet Him.
You better be good.