Mi Vida

Asshats

I put the advertisement on Craigslist 6 weeks after I moved to Newcastle-Upon-Tyne. I didn’t know anyone so I told them the truth.

1) I don’t want dick pictures

2) No sex or anything that leads to it. I didn’t come here to get pregnant

3) I know karate

I figure that would narrow it down a bit. The first dozen of replies were useless. They either disappear in the middle of the week or dropped the matter altogether after they received my photo (honestly I can’t be that ugly) or asked for sex again just in case I changed my mind after 2 weeks.

No, asshat. I’m here to write.

And in the middle of chaos, he replied. His mails were frequent and mostly received in the middle of the day. He’s working, but he only replies during break (he must have had 40 breaks at 2 p.m.) I like him more than the rest because of his spelling though he later admitted that his phone did all the corrections. He broke my little fantasy. I was rather turned on by sexy grammarians. He suggested that we meet at the Hancock Museum on Friday evening. I told myself that it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t show up. I was there to see the T-Rex.

2 o’ clock and he was there with grey dust on his navy blue uniform.

“I came straight from work. Sorry I’m a bit dirty. We were welding a water tank,” he said.

He towers over 6 feet. I barely reached his shoulder and it was a really awkward first hug. I kinda patted his arms. We spent almost 4 hours taking photos, laughing and pointing at inappropriate exhibitions. He laughed at me because I was so fascinated with badgers (he said those cutiepies were pests!) and I laughed at him when he saw a flattened penis on a doll made of human skin.

We have these little excursions on Fridays, sometimes weekends or whenever he’s on holiday. He hated art galleries and book stores so I have a lot of private time especially when I go to the library. I should have seen this coming. A mini foreshadowing of some sort. But I want it to work. He wants it to work.

So when one day he told me that he will never leave me, I convinced myself that it was true. Maybe that’s the reason my heart tugged me here. Maybe it’s destiny. Maybe he’s different than the boy before. After all, he’s an honest man. He could have lied about the spelling but he didn’t. He works hard at the metal factory (he has patience) and hardly had time to fool around because he was always watching t.v. (he’s loyal) He’s a good listener (not the kind who yells) and I saw his garden. I can tell that he is one of the most hardworking part time gardeners I’ve ever seen. He’s perfect!

What more can a girl want?

I immediately forget about compatibility.

After 2 years, I think we would make it. His lack of interest in pursuing progress irks me somewhat but his abuse of alcohol makes for good arguments. ‘My friends made me drink’ he would banter. Like a common victim, he promised that he would change. In fact, during the years before he met me he tried numerous times but the temptations were too much.

Too damn much.

And then, just like that he disappeared – just like when he appeared. Poof! No parting words, no goodbyes, no explanation. Nothing. Like I didn’t matter at all. Apparently, my feelings were disposable. I didn’t cry. My heart closed shut.

He’s just another asshat.

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